Unattainable
by Kermit's Rainbow Connection
Summary: They always meet in the wrong order. Now the Doctor has taken a break from the running, from combating evil forces, and has retraced his steps to a place which he would rather forget than remember. Which is why he had to go. For her.


**Sooo… this is sort of my attempt at a sadder angsty fic. I know. They're not my favorite either but I felt this issue had to be addressed. Just to let you all know this takes place after The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe but before Asylum of the Daleks. Also all the words after the three *** and in italics is from the Tenth Doctor's point of view. It's just a flashback. **

With a groaning sound the TARDIS announced its departure from the residence, to then make another journey tumbling down the time vortex. From _her_ residence. River Song's, to be exact. Well if the Doctor was being exact _Professor_ River Song. This had been one of the very few times where he had not been dropping her off at a cold, empty cell only filling her with hope with a kiss on her lips and promises of return.

But not this time. Oh yes, she would see him again. She called, rather would call in her case, for the Doctor and he had answered. But it hadn't been him. Wouldn't be him. The _real_ him, she had called him. He had no idea back at the Library what she had meant by that, what he was to become. Now he still hadn't a clue whether to take it as a compliment or an insult.

He tossed his top hat carelessly on the floor and flicked a few switches without the usual mad spark in his eye. At this action the TARDIS groaned a low hum in mourning. He had almost forgotten that she was her child, too. Though in only an instant he darted around the console pulling levers and twisting buttons even though this was one place he wanted to avoid. But he had to do it. For her. She deserved it.

Not wanting to attract attention he pressed the blue stabilizers to halt the wheezing noise. He loved that noise. He swung the doors open and stepped onto the largest database planet in the universe. The Library. By this point the Vashta Nerada had fled, for now, and the citizens were being transported to safety. He strode around cautiously, but really it proved no avail especially since he was still wearing the suit he had forgotten all about. A familiar voice was calling a name, but he couldn't quite distinguish it with his thoughts all jumbled. The Doctor knew he had heard it before, but from a very, very long time ago.

"Lee! LEE!" The woman he had heard before had stumbled into him. Her appearance consisted of her hair being ginger (he always met gingers, why couldn't he be one!), she wore a gray tank top, and a purple short sleeved open shirt over it. And his eyes met her face and he could only gaze up in awe as he realized this description could only match one person. The Doctor could only stutter,

"D-d-donna!" She only sighed in response when she looked at his face.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were someone that I knew. Your hair was the same color as his and oh! I sound like a bloody idiot to you don't I? But have you seen him? His name is Lee and I've been looking for him everywhere. He has a bit of a stammer like you. Wait a minute. You knew my name. No one here knows me besides the Doctor and that archeologist who seems to know everything around here. Wait Lee, is that you? That computer couldn't have changed your face though, or could it? Oh my gosh, I'm so glad I found you!" Before the Doctor could protest Donna had embraced him in a hug, from a person he had missed receiving them from, only it wasn't meant him. She let him go and her smile faltered when he wasn't sharing a completely enthusiastic expression with her. The Doctor placed his arms around her shoulders.

"Donna Noble. I am so, so very sorry. But I'm not the person who you're looking for." he admitted to her very painfully, for him anyway. She shook off his hands and stood up. He then sensed her apprehension.

"Then who are you? How do you know my name? Are you just some creep? Oh that's just brilliant, isn't it? I've got some weird space creep from the fifty first century who's probably been following me and keeping tabs on me! First I get real, flesh faces on statues and then this!" she accused of him, throwing her hands up in the air to display her frustration. He didn't know how to respond. The Doctor didn't know what to do. Well at this point that wasn't a first. He slapped himself for his stupidity. Donna demanded,

"What's wrong with you?!"

"I've been told by a lot of people I'm strange in a lot of ways."

"Yeah, I could kind of see that.' she paused and then questioned him, 'Well? Are you going to answer me?"

"My name is John Smith." She suddenly glared down at him with a ferocity he didn't believe he could handle.

"What?"

"John Smith? Seriously? Is that the best you can come with? You could at least try!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well I guess if you were a real stalker you probably would've chosen a smarter alias and tried to blend in more. I can't believe I'm doing this but I've looked all around the Library for Lee and I have no idea where the Doctor is, and you don't look like you're going anywhere now soo… you want to talk?" He blinked once, no actually twice.

"Talk?"

"Yes! I think you're capable of forming words with your mouth. You just remind of me somehow of my friend, the Doctor. Maybe it's because you're both thin as sticks." His eyes glanced at his watch. There wasn't much time before one of the team of archeologists would come and find him handcuffed to a metal pole and then release him. But this was the only time he would ever see Donna again. The _real_ Donna. Not after she had been cruelly ripped from her memories. By him. But he couldn't let her die. Not Donna.

"Donna Noble, you are magnificent. Someday your name will shine among the all of stars. Races from galaxies far and distant in all of the cosmos will sing about Donna, the most important woman in the universe. If you are to ever remember anything in your life it that you are so, so special and no matter how many people do not think of you as smart or any of that do not let that belittle yourself because you are brilliant. And I wish I could be just as brilliant as you. Donna Noble. The most important woman in the universe. Take care of yourself. Goodbye." With that he unexpectedly pressed his lips lightly on her forehead with a fondness she was not familiar with and he scampered away, not looking at her confused but touched face.

Time was being rewritten. As the Doctor dashed off he remembered new memories as they popped into his head from long ago but right now. Donna had met his past self at this point and now he remembered a memory at the time he had dismissed with hesitation.

"_There you are! I was looking for you everywhere! Where have you been?" Donna demanded from him. His eyes most have appeared vacant since her temper cooled and seemed to understand what had occurred. She was always a perceptional person, or maybe he was just as easy to read as a book. _

_A book. He had always loved libraries beforehand. He wondered how long they would haunt him now. And then there was the book. The diary that held all his adventures and little secrets from the future. And he wasn't allowed a peek. He didn't even know the true identity of the person who owned it. Well yes, he knew her name was Professor River Song, archeologist, but he knew precious little about her compared to everything she knew about him. Donna quickly changed the subject. _

"_I met this man. In the computer. His name was Lee. He was the perfect man for me. He was gorgeous, loved me like no one else, and could hardly speak a word. I haven't found him yet, but I probably never will. I mean let's face it; I searched through this whole planet looking for him, not even a mention of his name! He probably isn't even real, is he?" The Doctor stared at her not knowing how to respond to her crisis and wrapped his arms around her. After her tears had dried she mentioned, _

"_I met another man when I was looking for Lee. __When I ran into him, I almost got a paper cut he was so skinny!_ He was in a suit, God knows why, but he went by John Smith. Like I was going to believe that, right? Besides Lee, he was the kindest man I had ever met. Really weird, but kind. Said the nicest things a man has ever told about me in my entire life and I talked with him for only a few moments. Kind of reminded me of you. But the thing is; no one else besides you and that River Song knew who I was. So how did he know my name?" she then asked with uncertainty. To that question he could not provide the answer for, but while he had suspicions he did not want to believe them.

The Doctor catched a glance as he watched his past self dash with the future screwdriver in hand will Donna tagged behind a little since she was not expecting the sprinting and was huffing and puffing along the way. He smiled slightly at that.

His expression then formed into a gloomy one as he strode very cautiously and slowly down the steps. He only stared at the object that lay before him. The TARDIS blue diary he had bought River when she had just met him. No longer would she flip the now worn and tattered pages of the book to keep track of their timelines. Because no longer would this version of River Song ever see him again. Two hundred ninety seven years ago he was not allowed to peek inside this diary. Now there was no one to enforce that rule. Yes, it was his rule. But rule number one: the Doctor lies.

He flipped through the entries revisiting the old adventures they had shared together that he reminisced about. The opening of the Pandorica (he wasn't too fond of that one), even Jim the Fish, and one of his favorites. Ice skating at the frozen River Thames in 1814 with Stevie Wonder singing along under the London Bridge. It was her birthday. He would cherish that memory with true happiness that he would hardly spend on anything anymore.

Scanning every line, the Doctor wondered whether their paths would cross again. He didn't think he could bear it without seeing her face again; he also didn't think he could see that face again and hide the guilt as he always attempted to bury it from people. Especially from the people he loved.

And what would he tell the Ponds? That he knew all along even before them that she had died for him? Rory still had his sword. The Doctor grimaced at the thought. Though he had all the right to do so, didn't he? River was their daughter after all; probably the only child Rory would ever have. Would have… had.

The Doctor couldn't help it when a tear trickled down his cheek and landed on the front cover of the diary. Soon that tear was followed by more streaking down his face, but they were silent and respectful; not uncontrollable sobs.

Slowly, he succumbed to grief and crouched on the ground. So this is what love was like, eh? Yes he was unfortunately familiar with pain and loss but not at this degree or angle. Love always comes to an end. But the Doctor hated endings.

**So yeah. Kind of depressing at the end there. Sorry about that, but that was the intention of this piece. Got a bit distracted with Donna in the middle of there but I just love her character so I had to put her in this. The Eleventh Doctor came to sort of in a way pay his respects to River. And yes her death is hinted at after Silence in the Library and Forest of the Dead but I thought River and the Doctor needed more than just that. So I hope you enjoyed it and please review!**


End file.
